I just got back from seeing The Dark Knight.

 

It’s 3 am and all I want to do is call Boy and talk about it. Instead, I’m going to sleep.

 

On a side note: Saturday I might be picking up a pregnancy test. Another late/missing period for Queen. Fuck me sideways.

Last night I got really really drunk. It was fun.

Once I got home, however, there was no one to take my phone away if I began texting a certain someone.

Hence, this why Queen is a pathetic idiot:

“I’m really drunk. And I miss you. And I shouldn’t be texting you because I’m not supposed to. But S isn’t here anymore to stop me. But I miss you. And I’m horny. And I miss you and this is so fucking hard not talking to you. I hate it. Bye. Oh. And foam parties are awesome. Bye again.”

“Glad it was fun. Please don’t text me…this is hard enough as it is……..”

“………………………………..I’m sorry. I miss you………………………….”

“I miss you too……..”

“Goodnight. And I’m sorry I texted.”

“Goodnight and sweet dreams and I wish you a light hangover.”

“Haha. Hoping for no hang over. Shit. I need to stop texting. Sorry again. Good night and I’m sorry I bothered you.”

 

 

I told Dancer that I texted him again and she asked me if I really wanted to do this. Because if even a little part of me doesn’t than it won’t work. I lied and told her I wanted to do this.

The truth is, stopping talking to Boy is the last thing I ever want to do. But I know that I have to in order to get over him. But I don’t want to stop talking to him, hence why this is going to be really fucking hard.

DancerChick called me today. She is devising a Boy-detox. She told me what I am to do.

1. Find everything that reminds you strongly of him and place in a pile. Dancer and Blond are going to pick it up later this week and hide it from me. Somethings like my favorite going out top (that was the shirt I had on when I lost my virginity) and my squishy, little sleep pillow will be returned to me when I go back to school. Other things like the jump drive with everything Boy on it won’t be returned until I am over him.

2. Delete his number from my phone. Take pictures of him off my phone. Remove electronic evidence.

3. Girl’s Night: Going to Asuka and getting a seculded table for myself, Dancer and Blond. Letting me talk and get everything out. Going to watch Disney movies at Dancer’s.

4. Detox day. 24 hours without my phone. Blond and Dancer are taking me shopping, making me feel attractive, and in general making sure I do not think about or am tempted to talk to Boy for a full day.

5. Dancer’s plan is to ‘reconstruct’ our relationship. Basiclly get him out of my life so I can start over and be friends with him again without the complications. Because she admited that there was something about us that made her think we were too good of friends to cut all ties. She just wants to make sure I’m at the point where I won’t let myself get hurt again by him.

And Queen’s own personal get over Boy plan: going to a foam party with coworkers. S is the DD and is planning on letting me get good and fucked up. (so long as no vomit ends up in her car) I’m finding a guy tonight to distract me and make me feel good about myself. Sex will not be inovlved. I am not fucking anyone unless they fit one of two categories. 1. Are commited to me. IE boyfriend. No more fuck buddies. emotions get too involved. 2. Will never see again. IE One night stand. No time for emotions to get involved.

I love my back yard. It backs right up against my town’s forest preserve thingy.

I’m sitting on my bed, being miserable and dwelling on things, out of the corner of my eye I see movement. It’s two fawns and a mother deer are walking about my yard, eating plants.

Now the two fawns are having what appears to be a sprinting match. They’re running back and forth, darting in between the trees, going so fast they look like leggy brown blurs.

For some reason it makes me happy just watching them. It puts my mind at ease and keeps me from thinking of Him. Which is just what I need.

I told Boy I don’t want to talk to him anymore, that I needed him out of my life to get over him.

He said ‘Please know i’ll miss you but i understand and if you ever forgive me, i will be waiting for you.’

 

It hurts so bad. And I keep picking up my phone wanting to text him. And I keep putting it down because i have to be strong. but as he and i discussed (albeit refering to something quite different) i have problems saying no to him. i’m addicted to him and i can’t quit and i hate myself for it.

I told my friend K tonight that if he walked in my door right this second and said he wanted to fuck me, i’d do it. it’s degrading and horibble that i would, but it’s the truth.

Boy said last night that he was being selfish and doing what was best for him and GILRFRIEND.

I have an entire message written up and ready to send to her. it’s subject line is ‘we’ve been sleeping together since decemeber’ so she can’t just delete it without getting any information. even just reading that she has a new message will plant a seed of ‘is this true?’ in her mind. the rest of the message is kind of long and tells her how Boy and I have been sleeping together, that it wasn’t a one night thing, and how he hadn;t planned on stopping. I wrote that i wasn’t trying to hurt her, but that she deserved to know the truth and he didn’t deserve to get away with fucking us both over.

I don’t know if I should send it or not.

and i have a message written up for him that says: i think i finally found it in me to hate you. i just wanted to say i’m sorry and that i still love you and it hurts to know this will probably ruin our friendship forever, but for once in my life i’m going to be selfish. please understand.

 

i don’t know what to do. i don’t know if i should send them or not. i’m so confused because i know i’m going to hurt myself by doing it, but he’ll get away with everything if i don’t.

Boy: hi…

Queen: hey

Boy: how are you?

Queen: same as i have been. plus exhausted.

Boy: fun… i’m sorry…

Queen: yeah, not really. running on two and a half hours of sleep, two red bulls and a bag of candy isn’t my idea of fun.

Boy: I’m sorry….

Queen: whatever.

Boy: I’ll leave you be

Queen: you don’t have to. just don’t expect me to say anything else back to ‘i’m sorry.’ i’m not mad at you, but i’m a hell of a long way off from forgiving you. but i still like talking to you despite everything that happened, don’t forget that.

Boy: I know, I just really don’t want to hurt you anymore.

Queen: honey, i think you’ve hurt me the most you really can at this point.

A pint of half-baked ice cream from ben and jerry’s doesn’t solve problems but it makes me feel better.

And spending the afternoon with friends, cleaning DancerChick’s uber messy room and eating dinner, going home to study for a bit, then going back to another friend’s house and watching a movie kept me occupied for most of the day. Thank god.

It’s pouring rain outside right now. The clouds opening up and letting a torrent of water fall around this place.

 

I can still smell him on my sheets and on my skin. The unique scent that does not come from a bottle, but is just him: Soapy, warm, sweaty, wonderful Boy-scent.

I can still taste him too. The distinct flavor of his kisses, the taste of his skin salty with sweat. The sweet-bitter slide of friendship and affection over my palette.  

I can still feel his warmth against my back, and the flutter of his long eyelashes against my neck and my cheek. The ghosting of his lips over my face, the soft moist brush of his tongue along my pulse.

I can still see him too. His sleepy blue eyes rimmed in thick lashes fluttering open and his pink lips curving into a smile as he wakes up from a nap and sees me curled against his side.

I can still hear him whispering in my ear in the heat of the moment, his voice low and gruff, telling me what he wants. I can hear him sobbing as he clings to me, telling me how sorry he is.

 

And part of me wants to shower. To let scalding hot water poor over me, scrubbing until I’m raw and pink and clean. I want to scrub myself like I can wash this all away, like I can let these problems slide away down the drain with the soap and the water. Like I can just wash all evidence of him out of my life.

And the other part wants to wrap myself in my sheets and breath in his scent, letting it all overwhelm me. I want to let it all linger around me like a terrible wonderful storm of  memories and desires. I want to lay inert in that place between awake and sleep where everything can be right again, where I don’t have to feel how much it hurts deep down in places I didn’t know could even feel.   

 

The rain has stopped outside and a bit of sun is peaking through the clouds.

I think I shall go take that shower.

Cum tastes fucking disguting. Lucky for Boy I have good control of my gag reflex or else I might have vomited on him.

I’ve never tasted anything so bitter in my life.